Hey all
its been over a mnth since i blogged.. its going to be my resolution post..its gonna be long k..

Before i start, whatever has happened written here its not meant to offend but just my thoughts on the year. If u know its u i spoke abt, i dont hold any grudges against u, and what has happened is part of my memory. Many things i say are my personal choice and i do hope that my friends here will still accept me for who i am no matter what i choose to put up of myself.


Time and Time again I come to the point where i see myself in the dead end of things. I wonder how many can just take life so simply and still not worry of what lies ahead, still they manage to live comfortably.


The year of challenges was more directing upon my own weaknesses and ability to sustain a season. Many have passed on; with barely an inch of failing. Some still in progress; i've pushed aside hoping it will disappear, and the few i am still fighting in my silence.

I stepped into the year with 1 aim, to go all out in what i wanted to do with no regrets. I never endorsed a resolution cause i know i would once again fail myself.
I've learnt many things, seen quite a bit, experienced and even cast aside the ups and downs of what life can do to you. All within the year.


Home never seem so invisible to me before. But now i know how some people feel. The feeling of just getting out and not wanting to come back. The dynaics of my household has changed tremedously. The once idea of my condo apartment to be the oasis of tired pleople sometimes feel like a battlefield or even a courtroom.


My relationship with my sis has always been cordial. And many times, i think i'd prefer it that way. I wonder how people can respond to things without considering what may happen. Nevertheless just put some thought into things. Thats my sis, hush in action and a mere angle in need. Since young i've always found myself in the losing and giving end with her. My perception of letting things go has come to an end. I forbid her emotions to affect me anymore.

Dad seem kike the biggest burden this year. His stroke in aug and then in oct seem like a restless period. No rest for me since may coz of long hours for SAFday and NDP rehearsals). The demand to be at the hospital everyday was tiring and draining. I've lost my father in it all. The lack of commitmentt to look up to him has faded away despite his disabilities. If i had the choice, i'd leave it all totally. It seems selfish but i even wonder if i need to rely on the father figure anymore. THe sad part of it all is the chance to start afresh never came to his mind. THe attitude towards life seem that he rather give it up. O dont blame him for the feeling but the demand of putting the rest of the home to make us feel bad, i do.

My greatest disappointment is Mum, The one i thought i'm closest to seem so far. It kind of sad when u just cant be totally honest towards someone anymore. Many times i think she focuses on the less important things to much and feels too overwhelmed with everything else.
Somewhere this year she has been connering me over the smallest things. I do get irritated most of the time, but i know she is probably the onli one ive got at home. I long for the time where she will accept me for who i am and what i wish to be. She may not agress to it but at least i still have her love as my mother still.

I at home have not been all that goodie-two-shoes. Especially towards the 2nd half of the year. All that has been happening, the fighting at home, the mess and insecurity that has become of the family, i decided to be less than bothered. Its not that i dont care, but i realised that all my efforts to help and advice seem so insignificant and what ever i do at home dont seem to matter to anyone. Thus my actions now.


Work has somewhat been in slow progress this year. I realised that personal preference sometimes work over ur ability. Nowhere at work is as sincere as u may want it to be.. However i do aprreciate the few moments where i've learnts a lot more about ensemeble playing and especially in the quintets. 7 more months to survive in the army and i am kinda looking forward to it.

Apart from camp, thats where i enjoyy my work load. My busy time was during the SYF competition period. Running from school to school to teach. Really enjoy interacting with the school kids. In march, finally my dearest Alumni Band could showcase a little during the hai Sing Carnival. It was a tough project for me personally, but really glad i did it. My bigest highlight was the Hai sing's 50th anniversary gala performance. really felt good. Once again its another collaboration i organised, runned, and conducted on my own. And finally i premiered the school song for band and choir. Just wonder how much i am aprreciated in all these?



Amazingly, the year bought me to meet a lot more people. of a number i start to call friends. As i step deeper in the AJ circle, i mostly have friends from there. My weekends mostly revovle hanging out with my closer friends; out to drink, shop and definitely club. I realised that this is my peak of my life in its social aspect. From the past, i always thoght that my closer firends were always going to be my best friends. But pweople change as u move on to different places after u leave school or work. But now i found that m current social group can understand me. Though i must admit that many are not the best in character, there is when i filter my friends, there are the few i know whom will be there for me and look after me.


On the contrary, somehwere mid this year i thought ti found the best friend i;ve always wanted.. But i guess it was my blinded eyes seeking for a besti so desperately. It was a difficult friendship and it did not end well. This is when i realised that there are many different ones out there and no one will be perfect for u. Its the combination of different people who make u whole and compatible.



Support seems like the thing i really need from people mmuch more from friends. I dont this i am as materialistic or superficial, but one thing i appreciate is a true friend whom is there to listen and support. And i think i kinda need my own sourece to share with people rather than always the other way round.


Early this year, i finally decided to leave ministry. It was a long 1 1/2 years until i finally left. I guess i did not want to be selfish towards the members bercause cell was their well being. But finally i had to let go. Initially it was coz i did not have time for them. But my heart and mind was in a wrong state. Soon after i atop attending my ns cell and service completely. I looked at how superficial people took things for. And it questioned my heart about what a sheperd is. The first few years in ministry, i guess i tried to be as sincere as i could, But i think i ended up faking it through intellectual advice. Sometimes i really wonder how blessed people were with what i gave? Its going to be shocking for many who have known me. I left church not because i was ashamed of being aj.

I never felt so inedequate in my life when i'm church. Moreover, through the tough times at home, it seemed like i was the onli one who did not compromise church. It was what i thought made me strong. But i realised i was onli forcing muself to put up a strong front. I decided to stop.


Love and Romance, I guess to many is the mst juicy of topics in anyone's life. Something i have long ti experience again after a number of years. Not so fortunate in this area this year. I've had 1 or 2 innocent flings but nothing workied from just that friendship.
In the 2nd half of this year, i thought i found the one. I guess i fell too much for this person i hurt myself even befoe much could even happen. We seem tokick off pretty ok as a pair. But i guess i'm not meant to be. To be honest, this is one person i thought was really fitted for. But unfortunately it will never be what i expect and want it to be. I still do care You and i treasure that many moments together. I would never say i have moved on totally cause i had put a part of my heart to love u before. And u will always be a part of it even in the future.

No i am not desperate. I just want to find someone who is going to love me for as much i am ready to someone back. Sont get me wrong, i'm not implying to any random person who suddenly approaches me. But someone whom i am going to hold hands and give never ending smiles to. Someone i will be putting my time worth for. Someone who will share what i can give and in return too.

I have not given up on the idear of love. though most of my situationsin it never seem to show a bright of day at the end. I guess i am just not fitted to personality for anyone now. Its ok, i guess i just have to face the strokes of reality for now.

On a lighter side, many of my friends areund a slowly finding their love.It seems like 'going-steady' season again.. But i am really happy for them. Its always nice to see people happy and settled. I know how it feels when u are in love. Its totally awesome.


I guess for myself, the year seem to just past. full of activities and events. Among the most stressfulto face and sometimes quite dramatic. I must say its a year of lack of sleep too! But mostly enjoyed my regular hangouts.

All that is said.. i really hope who ever reads this will still accept me for who i am and who i wish to be. I'm sorri if i disappointed the some of u after reading this. But i guess this is kinda who i am for now. And i sincerely hope that it does not defer our friendship coz i am still the same Jon that u people know.


At this juncture, i'm still not too sure what i want to aim for in 2010. Though many plans to exxcel in my music studies. But yet to decide on a resolution.
2010 would be a grounding year for me. as i turn 21 and i officially ORD from army. Where my work and serious study start. Whats in store? What i really plan to do? i am not to sure yet. But for all its worth, i've to make it a better year for myself and a fabulous one to experience.

Before chirstmas comes and the year come to an end, i'd hope to thank my dearest friends for being there for me and sharing the many fun and upsetting times this year. I will definitely thank u all personally.

Its been a very interesting year and a once in a lifetime chance to see through. As as i move into a new season, i sincerely hope for the best for the family, my friends and myself and may all our deepest desires and dreams come true. =]


[Joni] Dec '09

(enjoy the few pics below of my '09)

BAND














FRIENDS











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