.Friday, June 04, 2010 ' 7:05 PM
Leaving a lasting impression
its been a while since my last post.. gosh more than a month! haha
kk, better update!
so, i am finally 21! haha my first post as an adult.. manz! i really never wanted this to happen! i still want to be a kid!!!
so i had a few parties for my 21st! haha...
So i had my Birthday at home .. a mass one.. family, friends and all... =]
i guess more than words can say, it was great.. i had a reall nice big cake.. performance segment too!!
=] and pictures say a thousand words.. most of the pics are on my FB so take a look.. here is just some..
Yeap.. and the week after, my good pals brought me out for dinner and a club party too! haha...
So, been really busy in camp! prep for the concert which just passed.. my last concert with central band b4 i ORD.. lolz...
yeap.. more soon!!!
.Sunday, April 25, 2010 ' 4:59 PM
Leaving a lasting impression
its amazing how the blog works... somewhere u can share life, events and advertise and also vent everything out. but u cannot say everything, coz sometimes info gets mis-interpreted and ends up in the knowledge of ppl you dont want to let known to. Much worse when it gets into the hands of your parent. What is the point? really its useless, coz they will never understand what their child goes through. there is so many things beyond what a parent sees, and its so much easier to comment and advice what to do and not to do...
If it were that easy, dont u think every child would have gone back to their parents for solace? well, i guess its not then. I say things on my blog so i can express myself. its my only avenue to let everything out. and no i am not going crazy even if u see my posts are eccentric at times.. I am much stronger a person than u think i am. i've survived all these emotions and events so far.. If not i'd probably have given up on life totally...
I think it is really unfair to judge someone assuming based on what u read or see, much more if u are not close to him and dont know him as a person.
I am writing this now because i hear false intepretation about me from people around. Do not assume how i feel. if u are concerned, ask me.. i am probably the only person who knows where which emotion is linked to.
thats just i want to clarify. Yes i am going through a really low and rough patch now. i dont deny it. from home, to work, my future, to my social life, my personal life as well. its a lot to handle especially when suddenly everything just took a turn against the wind. But that does not make me any less a person yea. i am still human and i live like the same Jon i usaully am, just a bit more stress in my head.
I really do appreciate those who have been with me through this. talked to me and just encouraged me. thank u all
Well, its less than a week to my bday party... all the prep is kinda done... yes i'm holding it at home... i do want this party, not to my expectation, but yea, its my 21st, how can i not have a party yea? only issue to it is, not many ppl are coming for the party... lol.. i've done enough chasing for attendance. so lets see how it goes...
well, hope it turns out ok yea.. will update after sat yeap!?
Ok, and my ORD fuction is tml! i have 3 more months in the army! wohoo!!
.Saturday, April 03, 2010 ' 9:03 AM
Leaving a lasting impression
officially i have not blogged for abt 2mths plus..
just too lazy to write anything.. strage isnt it when there is more going on now and i dont feel like writing..
So much has happened in the last few months.. so much... i dont know should i even keep this post happy or if i should start my rambling once again...
so where i left off since Jan..
well, had fun at Jame's 21st, the big day finally came for him. the long awaited party, planning went off quite well.. i hope u like the card Esther and i gave u!!
Victor, Me, James, Esther, Mark
Come came Feb, i can hardly remember what happened during then though. but i do remember the guys(me,benji,trev,benny,robin,jayden,leon) and i went out to see the fire works at Hong Bao river...then after that we went to watch movie.. Percy JacksoN!
Oh yes yes!! My Unit's DnD was at the end of Feb too.. the performance finally revealed.. haha... We did well and it was quite a good DnD up at the White house in Camp! My Band's theme was Jazz. but we kinda spiced it up after a while and it went to an Indian theme! haha
Ginny was gorgeous!
March March! it was birthday month! oh manz! so many birthdays!
Week 1- Esther Goh Mei Fang!!! finally 21!!!
Week 2- Jayden Ng... getting older =] 25 haha
Week 3- Robin Tan... 22
Week 3-Ng Man Ning... 21
and of Coz my sis's kim's birthday with no pictures.. 20 this yr..
End of March, i guest played for MusArt Wind Orchestra at Yong Siew Toh Hall.. Was quite ok i guess.. but strangely like no feeling for the performance lo...
but it went well i guess...
My sec 1 juniors..er..wait..they are sec 2 le.. haha
My junior leaders
Haha.. wah.. me wor.. i look quite ugly playing eh!
manNing and I
Well.. just after the concert on Sunday, i went back to camp straight away.. and this whole week i was slothering under the sun.. i got so so so so so so burnt that it hurt like mad!! i couldnt even wash my face! it was CDF COC...finally its over, damn tired and just looked damn Black now...
Oh yes! i went out with esther and bought a BABY SYLSVESTER!!! omg.. cheap thrill!! my Fav! so Cute!!!
So cute right! lol
alrigts, so this is the other side of the story...
omg! i am so FUSTRATED!!!!!!!
Just when i thought begining of the year, things were going to go well, and it did seem like things were moving pretty ok... its gone froma slight up slop to a sudden plunge off a cliff! omg!!
i have been going for many cases for my parent's divorce and its so stressful when u see that all they think of is fighting for more and emotion eruption! mainly anger...
Mum is always thinking beyond everything and always assuming till she gets distracted and she gets herself disappointed when she realises it will never happen that way.and ever so demanding to what she already wants, she doesnt even want to consider any other options, and even listen to alternative.. she has already made her mind and plans of what to do.... My father is erupting as usual, and really, he doesnt think before he reacts... even when he reacts rashly, he just explodes and is just not rational... ever since young till now, i swear i will never want to be like this ever...never in my life...
Ur character shows how scared u are as a person. either becoz u are too demanding and are afraid of being over thrown by someone more superior or just plain ego. and u result in violence or just making a big scene over small instances... I swear i never want to be like u ppl,... now in this way... That y i'd rather just keep my mouth shut and usually give in to ppl. i hate it when i have to fight for something which can close an eye to... really...and also i end up keeping my feelings to myself coz what is the point of venting out ur angry on others when it will not make things better, u onli pass on the fustration to others and obviosly ruin something with ppl..
My personal life is really like a mess... i really dont know what to really think, say or even do anymore... my self will power on many things seems like a valve low on the spare battery already. lately i've stop trying to search for ppl to be with.. Many of u know i have been yearning for a companion for quite a while... many have adviced me, some always asking if this is the right time, some say just wait..
i really dont know what to take of it anymore.. maybe i am starting to be even more insecure... i dont want to go to the extent of being desperate, but really is it so difficult to even find someone who would like me!? waited all the ever so long time and got my heart really hurt again last yr when i realised i was not the one and i just felt so played with after that month of 'romance'... i really hate being lonely and i appreciate my friends who try to keep me company at times, but sometimes it still doesnt fill that total void.. besides, most of my friends are also attached! how am i suppose to swallow that whole? Besides, friends have a limitation to what they can do as well, there is nothing emotionally mutual... More and more i ponder of this, i feel like i will never find anyone.. and i must start to accept the fate of my reality...this really sucks...
finally... My Birthday is abt a mth away. Based on my last post and my earlier plans, seems like things are not going to happen the way i want it, nor will it be a big elaborated alterntive.. My idea of a big function got reduced to finding a restaurant or a bar, i was ok with that idea, then, it got reduced to just getting a cheap chalet which i dnt want to do again.. then it was changed to using my home's club house(its very sian), and then to just a bbq... now the final change of plan is to hold it at home...not onli the change of venues, but the size of my guest list got reduced almost 50%. And all this was never never never my decision to change idea and i started onli from the top. but i tried and reconsidered and accepted it. I always dreamt of a really elaborated or at least a bigger 21st.. i wanted it to be really special. But it seems like i'll be stuck at home for the party. I really give up manz.. at this point i just feel like ending this reduction to not having any party anymore.. i dont want to be upset and unhappy on my birthday, i'd rather just not have it,to save my energy on something i dont want.
Its onli april, what a year to to begin with.. really and what a time to turn 21...thank u for making this such a memoriable yr so far =[
.Monday, March 01, 2010 ' 11:29 PM
Leaving a lasting impression
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.Sunday, January 17, 2010 ' 4:02 PM
Leaving a lasting impression
i'm back.. from what i am not too sure. haha
well.. how has things been with everyone?
things have been quite cordial lately.. not too bad bah..
Actually its been going quite alright for me personally.. i've been trying real hard to let go of many things, and it seems like things are runninga lot better.. quite good..
I'm now planning on my future plans for school, work and love(bleahs..) kidding.. haha
it will take time bah. but i am doing ok for now =]...
I'll be 21 in 4 months or so, kinda planning something big for myself this year.. i really want to have lots of fun this time round... looking at birthday venues now... its gonna be a blast yea!!
Me and my 'pretty' pink bow.. haha.. huiting's pink bday. made to wear it as a wrist band, but got this idea insead...
.Sunday, January 03, 2010 ' 9:17 PM
Leaving a lasting impression
HAPPY NEW YEAR...
wonder how everyone's new year and countdown has been?
I'll update what has been happening since my last post before i get to the new year...
Well quite a few things have been happening..Aiyo my life like so drama.. right benny? so drama! haha..
Well especially at home, dad is back in hospital also..
k, so i had my christmas party.. it was really nice to have everyone around...
I have not gotten all the other pictures of the rest yet.. so will do that soon yea..
So i guest played with Philharmonic Youth Winds on the 23rd as well... it was a kinda stressful concert..
Jayden came to support me, thanks man!
My bassoon section(eunice, me, zi sheng)
Trevel had his bday party and an outing...
Christmas has never been so distant this year.. really did not feel like it came...and soon it was time to prepare for the new year...
i gave myself a treat and finally got an ear piercing the day after christmas... =]
new year's eve came... had dinner with trevel, benny, eddy and hakim in town... went up to the firestation tower to slack after that.. was really cool there manz..
everyone had to go coz some were leaving town the next morning..
Unfortunately my other friends had change of plans and midnight was on my own this year..
I dont blame anyone k...its coz of circumstances thats y...
I walked to the padang coz everywhere else was too crowded to enter... the fireworks were great, really made my day too...But the night was ever the most depressing too... somehow i kinda knew my countdown would be alone...
New years day was nth much..dinner at my grand aunt's house...
Last night i just had to breathe, and i just had to let all emotions out.. decided to go party...
Finally had my dance with Xvan too... haha...it was really fun, and i am glad i went out too... thanks guys!!!
Well 2010 is here.. up to now i dont know what i intend to do this year.. i tried thinking hard what i want to plan for.. but i just cant put a fixed thought yet...
Many of u guys have been quite concerned for me too...I feel like i am alright la. though strangely and scarily i seem eccentric at time.. i think i am freaked out too..I think maybe coz i am just overwhelmed with so many things and i just dun know how to control my emotions...And based on my previous post, i guess most of u know what i am going through...
I really hope this year would be a time where i can but my weights down from my shoulders too...2009 was a year pretty heavy for me... But honestly, i do need the support from my friends this year too... i will be there for u guys as much as i can too... but i do hope that as i run my turbulance, my buddies will still be around when i need someone to lean on...
what the year has in store is beyond what i can control. but i do hope to resolve many of my issues, hopefully find the special one and to just be happy with everything around me...
Have a good 2010 guys!
.Monday, December 14, 2009 ' 11:54 PM
Leaving a lasting impression
its been over a mnth since i blogged.. its going to be my resolution post..its gonna be long k..
Before i start, whatever has happened written here its not meant to offend but just my thoughts on the year. If u know its u i spoke abt, i dont hold any grudges against u, and what has happened is part of my memory. Many things i say are my personal choice and i do hope that my friends here will still accept me for who i am no matter what i choose to put up of myself.
Time and Time again I come to the point where i see myself in the dead end of things. I wonder how many can just take life so simply and still not worry of what lies ahead, still they manage to live comfortably.
The year of challenges was more directing upon my own weaknesses and ability to sustain a season. Many have passed on; with barely an inch of failing. Some still in progress; i've pushed aside hoping it will disappear, and the few i am still fighting in my silence.
I stepped into the year with 1 aim, to go all out in what i wanted to do with no regrets. I never endorsed a resolution cause i know i would once again fail myself.
I've learnt many things, seen quite a bit, experienced and even cast aside the ups and downs of what life can do to you. All within the year.
Home never seem so invisible to me before. But now i know how some people feel. The feeling of just getting out and not wanting to come back. The dynaics of my household has changed tremedously. The once idea of my condo apartment to be the oasis of tired pleople sometimes feel like a battlefield or even a courtroom.
My relationship with my sis has always been cordial. And many times, i think i'd prefer it that way. I wonder how people can respond to things without considering what may happen. Nevertheless just put some thought into things. Thats my sis, hush in action and a mere angle in need. Since young i've always found myself in the losing and giving end with her. My perception of letting things go has come to an end. I forbid her emotions to affect me anymore.
Dad seem kike the biggest burden this year. His stroke in aug and then in oct seem like a restless period. No rest for me since may coz of long hours for SAFday and NDP rehearsals). The demand to be at the hospital everyday was tiring and draining. I've lost my father in it all. The lack of commitmentt to look up to him has faded away despite his disabilities. If i had the choice, i'd leave it all totally. It seems selfish but i even wonder if i need to rely on the father figure anymore. THe sad part of it all is the chance to start afresh never came to his mind. THe attitude towards life seem that he rather give it up. O dont blame him for the feeling but the demand of putting the rest of the home to make us feel bad, i do.
My greatest disappointment is Mum, The one i thought i'm closest to seem so far. It kind of sad when u just cant be totally honest towards someone anymore. Many times i think she focuses on the less important things to much and feels too overwhelmed with everything else.
Somewhere this year she has been connering me over the smallest things. I do get irritated most of the time, but i know she is probably the onli one ive got at home. I long for the time where she will accept me for who i am and what i wish to be. She may not agress to it but at least i still have her love as my mother still.
I at home have not been all that goodie-two-shoes. Especially towards the 2nd half of the year. All that has been happening, the fighting at home, the mess and insecurity that has become of the family, i decided to be less than bothered. Its not that i dont care, but i realised that all my efforts to help and advice seem so insignificant and what ever i do at home dont seem to matter to anyone. Thus my actions now.
Work has somewhat been in slow progress this year. I realised that personal preference sometimes work over ur ability. Nowhere at work is as sincere as u may want it to be.. However i do aprreciate the few moments where i've learnts a lot more about ensemeble playing and especially in the quintets. 7 more months to survive in the army and i am kinda looking forward to it.
Apart from camp, thats where i enjoyy my work load. My busy time was during the SYF competition period. Running from school to school to teach. Really enjoy interacting with the school kids. In march, finally my dearest Alumni Band could showcase a little during the hai Sing Carnival. It was a tough project for me personally, but really glad i did it. My bigest highlight was the Hai sing's 50th anniversary gala performance. really felt good. Once again its another collaboration i organised, runned, and conducted on my own. And finally i premiered the school song for band and choir. Just wonder how much i am aprreciated in all these?
Amazingly, the year bought me to meet a lot more people. of a number i start to call friends. As i step deeper in the AJ circle, i mostly have friends from there. My weekends mostly revovle hanging out with my closer friends; out to drink, shop and definitely club. I realised that this is my peak of my life in its social aspect. From the past, i always thoght that my closer firends were always going to be my best friends. But pweople change as u move on to different places after u leave school or work. But now i found that m current social group can understand me. Though i must admit that many are not the best in character, there is when i filter my friends, there are the few i know whom will be there for me and look after me.
On the contrary, somehwere mid this year i thought ti found the best friend i;ve always wanted.. But i guess it was my blinded eyes seeking for a besti so desperately. It was a difficult friendship and it did not end well. This is when i realised that there are many different ones out there and no one will be perfect for u. Its the combination of different people who make u whole and compatible.
Support seems like the thing i really need from people mmuch more from friends. I dont this i am as materialistic or superficial, but one thing i appreciate is a true friend whom is there to listen and support. And i think i kinda need my own sourece to share with people rather than always the other way round.
Early this year, i finally decided to leave ministry. It was a long 1 1/2 years until i finally left. I guess i did not want to be selfish towards the members bercause cell was their well being. But finally i had to let go. Initially it was coz i did not have time for them. But my heart and mind was in a wrong state. Soon after i atop attending my ns cell and service completely. I looked at how superficial people took things for. And it questioned my heart about what a sheperd is. The first few years in ministry, i guess i tried to be as sincere as i could, But i think i ended up faking it through intellectual advice. Sometimes i really wonder how blessed people were with what i gave? Its going to be shocking for many who have known me. I left church not because i was ashamed of being aj.
I never felt so inedequate in my life when i'm church. Moreover, through the tough times at home, it seemed like i was the onli one who did not compromise church. It was what i thought made me strong. But i realised i was onli forcing muself to put up a strong front. I decided to stop.
Love and Romance, I guess to many is the mst juicy of topics in anyone's life. Something i have long ti experience again after a number of years. Not so fortunate in this area this year. I've had 1 or 2 innocent flings but nothing workied from just that friendship.
In the 2nd half of this year, i thought i found the one. I guess i fell too much for this person i hurt myself even befoe much could even happen. We seem tokick off pretty ok as a pair. But i guess i'm not meant to be. To be honest, this is one person i thought was really fitted for. But unfortunately it will never be what i expect and want it to be. I still do care You and i treasure that many moments together. I would never say i have moved on totally cause i had put a part of my heart to love u before. And u will always be a part of it even in the future.
No i am not desperate. I just want to find someone who is going to love me for as much i am ready to someone back. Sont get me wrong, i'm not implying to any random person who suddenly approaches me. But someone whom i am going to hold hands and give never ending smiles to. Someone i will be putting my time worth for. Someone who will share what i can give and in return too.
I have not given up on the idear of love. though most of my situationsin it never seem to show a bright of day at the end. I guess i am just not fitted to personality for anyone now. Its ok, i guess i just have to face the strokes of reality for now.
On a lighter side, many of my friends areund a slowly finding their love.It seems like 'going-steady' season again.. But i am really happy for them. Its always nice to see people happy and settled. I know how it feels when u are in love. Its totally awesome.
I guess for myself, the year seem to just past. full of activities and events. Among the most stressfulto face and sometimes quite dramatic. I must say its a year of lack of sleep too! But mostly enjoyed my regular hangouts.
All that is said.. i really hope who ever reads this will still accept me for who i am and who i wish to be. I'm sorri if i disappointed the some of u after reading this. But i guess this is kinda who i am for now. And i sincerely hope that it does not defer our friendship coz i am still the same Jon that u people know.
At this juncture, i'm still not too sure what i want to aim for in 2010. Though many plans to exxcel in my music studies. But yet to decide on a resolution.
2010 would be a grounding year for me. as i turn 21 and i officially ORD from army. Where my work and serious study start. Whats in store? What i really plan to do? i am not to sure yet. But for all its worth, i've to make it a better year for myself and a fabulous one to experience.
Before chirstmas comes and the year come to an end, i'd hope to thank my dearest friends for being there for me and sharing the many fun and upsetting times this year. I will definitely thank u all personally.
Its been a very interesting year and a once in a lifetime chance to see through. As as i move into a new season, i sincerely hope for the best for the family, my friends and myself and may all our deepest desires and dreams come true. =]
[Joni] Dec '09
(enjoy the few pics below of my '09)